INT. BRAIN – DUSK. Cue: Long, deep sigh followed by shiver of terror.
EXT. RIVER OF TRANSITION – NIGHT.
It’s the middle of the night. You are alone in the middle of a swirling black river. The current is strong. The waves are lapping. Your mind is racing. You’re fighting to keep your head above water. You can’t touch the bottom or see what is below. You are blindly trying to make it across to the other side. Trying to move far enough ahead that your toes finally touch solid ground and you can start trusting that you are again on the upward incline, even if just an inch at a time. That is the year it has been. A year of surprising challenges, unanticipated changes, devastating heartbreak on a number of levels, confusion, unexpected losses… a multitude of strifes. A year of transitions. We’ve all been there. A year of doing your best to let go of what was, but what is coming next hasn’t yet arrived, so you are sort-of-lost, sort-of-drifting, sort-of-desperate…to find meaning, understanding, solid ground. Don’t panic. Think of it like jet lag. Your body has arrived but your heart and mind are still catching up to this new reality. Whether you are putting in endless work, or feel unable to do anything at all, the effects are often the same – because right now you are in the middle of the black river of transition….and it simply takes time, to get through it all and find your feet again.
I pride myself on being ‘aggressively optimistic’ and always fighting for and believing that the perfect thing is just about to arrive… but in a year full of tragedy and set backs, fear has been nipping at my heels, and finding its way into my heart. It is certainly not all bad, and I trust I’ll reach the other side soon…but I am owning the reality that it has been a year full of painful change and loss and I don’t feel like I’m quite on solid ground at the moment…which inevitably brings vulnerability, stress and fear roaring to life.
Fuck that. Who needs it? And yet…
Is there anything more seductive? How easily we fall into that trap.
INT. HEART – LATER THAT NIGHT. Enter DOUBT stage left.
Fear is familiar, addictive and paralyzing. For whatever reason, words that wound us, fears that plague us, and beliefs that bind us are the ‘stickiest’. They convince you they are important. Assure you they are right. Fear brings its evil twin: doubt. Why does doubt get to be the thing we are certain of? Doubt is not the one who has earned victory here. Doubt is not the one who deserves the power. You must doubt your doubt.
Yet I’m fascinated watching how our minds work…how others handle this black river. It has been a year of deep conversations with family, friends and coworkers on their own triumphs and failures. Their desire to leave a valuable mark, and reach their own goals and milestones in the way and on the timeline they expected – and how they cope when things go sideways. How my heart bursts with love for those who curl towards you in times of strife instead of adding distance, or placing blame. Those who never take it personally when you have to pull back and focus on yourself. So much gratitude to those who know they don’t have to supply an answer just an ear to listen.
I’m disheartened by those who have been thrown a rope, yet still refuse to grab hold – fearing letting go of what they’ve grown used to. Staying in situations out of the familiarity of what they know, what they can predict, even when it is predictably so far from what they want most.
I’m bemused by those still struggling to trust they have made it through the river and are back on solid ground – even as their new plateaus are publicly undeniable. A dear friend is in the middle of a whirlwind second-life in her career, and her life. A banner year of so many projects getting wonderful attention that have brought her the success and notice she so deserves. I sent her a note saying how inspired I had been by her this year, and was shocked at the sincerity of her thank you as she admitted to her own insecurity over ‘whether her work mattered and was worthwhile’ and her fear of ‘whether it would last’. This entire conversation was a glimpse into the heart of all of us, for her level of success, the beauty of her work, the power of her spirit, are all things that I aim for, and feel she embodies implicitly…and yet her doubt is as strong as the person who has never experienced success. We humans are such silly creatures. Doubt your doubt!
I’m devastated witnessing some walk away from what could be the best thing in their life, out of cowardice, weakness, fear of change. I can say with utter certainty, I would rather be in middle of the black river – unsure of what comes next, but trusting it is coming, than to be resigned to a life that is slowly suffocating me. Change is hard, but change is good.
I’m enchanted by those using both hands to claim the latest successes of their lives with bonafied glee and unabashed revelry. I’m bursting with joy as I witness ‘the ship come in’ for someone who had been stranded on shore for far too long personally and professionally. An extraordinary friend who has landed smack in the middle of success after some terrifyingly difficult years.
And I remain inspired..by so many things, including my little dog, who I affectionately call Chicken Little, as she is convinced at every second that the sky is falling. Yet I watch her tackle her fear each day and become this brave little bolt of lightening, as the power of her desire for what she loves, and what she wants, will overcome her fear: Every. Single. Time. That is the courage I want. The kind that weighs the odds, is unconvinced of the outcome and jumps anyway. Optimism winning, hope succeeding, love triumphing. I can’t stop fear from visiting, but I refuse to ‘live’ in fear. I just refuse.
So what’s a girl to do? Find her inner wolf and give fear the finger.
And surrender. Life is beauty and pain. Life will break your heart again and again, and heal it over and over. Let it. This is its job. This is how we grow, and move on, and transition. Change is hard…but change is good, as long as fear and doubt are not in the drivers seat. Find your courage, embrace your optimism and ride the current. Now is the time to lean forward instead of back, to give more instead of less, to be bold. Sure, the waves are choppy, the water is cold, and the circumstances feel impossible. Tip your head back and laugh. Smile even in the middle of the black river. Doubt your doubt.
INT. HEART – PRESENT DAY Pulse jumpy, blood pressure shaky, confidence wavering.
EXT. FACE – SAME TIME Close Up: delighted smile, laughing at the circumstance.
INT. MIND – MOMENTS LATER Cue: long, deep sigh…of amusement, followed by a shiver of delight over this thing we call life.
FADE TO BLACK
Lovely thoughts and a good reminder that we all face many of the same internal struggles.
Reblogged this on Operation: Hollywood.
I’m so happy you started to blog again. 🙂 Keep doing the awesome!
OMG… I almost had the impress of reading some of my pages all filled about my fears, my anxieties and all that is hidden under my feet for months. I know it will seem ridiculous, but .. I felt less alone while reading this wonderful text. I really love your blog Adrienne. And this poignant text, I will employ me to spread it, because other than me, maybe, also will feel less alone. Thank you for this! Xena France – Kryss K.
This is actually quite well written, and I’m a pretty good judge of quality writing…it’s poetic even. Kind of has a “Leviathan” vibe as to the bases of humanity’s motivations, and how to step or at least negotiate around them.
I’m a Audrey Hepburn fan, don’t recall that pic before, but it’s clever, though doesn’t seem like her to give middle finger, at least intentionally.
Powerful, emotive, and very relevant to my life right now (I’m sure most people are feeling that). I adore your writing style. I shall continue to check your blog for insights such as this. Love it. Thank you, Adrienne.
You are a beautiful and powerfully poignant writer. If you can doubt your doubt, then your fear is afraid.